I have been thinking.... thinking about alot of things. On December 28, 2013 I found myself sobbing in the bathtub. Everything just felt like too much.
People that I love are hurting. They have lost those they love so dearly and I have lost, too. Their, our lives are changed forever. Things will never be the same. How do you even begin to help someone through that pain? My best friend told me that she just can't imagine ever being happy again. My friends are raising their children without Fathers. I feel completely helpless.
But, I am not helpless. How have I been living? Selfishly, inside me. I have not been a good Friend. I have not been a good Wife. I have not been a good Mother. But, I feel like I am drowning half the time, can't catch up and hardly know where to begin.
Taking a quote from my daughter - "We need to make some changes around here"! Heather, thanks for reminding me of her wise words :)
Stella is right, we do need to make some changes around here. I need to pay better attention to things, send a note to a friend that is hurting, send a note to a friend to tell them I love them, remember birthdays.... no more excuses. Am I so busy in my life that I can't pay attention to these things? I think not.
And what kind of example am I setting for my daughter? Am I teaching her kindness, compassion, respect and responsibility? I thought I was trying to, but how can she implement those things into her life if her parents are not modeling that behavior? We have one child and one opportunity to raise her to be the young person we wish her to be, so we have to step it up.
One change that you might be surprised by is that Stella returned to Holy Trinity Montessori today. This is the school that she has attended since she was 2, until last Spring when we moved into a home zoned for a great public school, which she attended this Fall. Stella adjusted beautifully, she was happy and we were amazed at her seamless transition. But as the weeks and months went along, I just started to see some things that didn't sit well with me. I kept it to myself for a while, as it just seemed too big to even consider. Kate, the Director/Founder of HTM is amazing. She and I spoke several times throughout the semester, she supported us in dealing with the lingering issues that just could not be denied. She is an amazing friend to our family, loves Stella and wants her to succeed no matter where she is.
It has been hard for me to get past that I feel like we have made every decision possible to screw this up. Pulling her out of a school that we loved, left a great community and friends, moved into the city (which we do love, admittedly) and now here we are right back where we started. Jokes on us, huh?
When we started to have real conversations about Stella's education, the impending decision just seemed impossible to make. We spoke to my parents and my Mom just encouraged us to make one good decision and you just can't worry about the rest. We knew in our hearts that we wanted her back at HTM, so here we are. Is all of the other stuff still a mess? Yes, it is, but one day and decision at a time.
So, here's Stella in her new/old classroom. She has dealt with yet another transition, with excitement and a tremendous amount of maturity. I am so proud of her and can't wait to see her soar.
For Chip and I, we still have plenty to do and places to go. I started my own business this year, which has awarded me more time with my family, the opportunity to work with those that inspire me and I now have the freedom to grow within my work and community. Good stuff.
Chip is absorbed in living the healthiest life possible. To know Chip, is to love his commitment to learning and his ability to immerse himself into his findings. And after all of the loss that has surrounded us, he will do everything that he can to walk the good life - exercise, running, diet, rest...
Lastly, if you did not receive a holiday card from us, that's because we didn't send one and no going back on that now. But, I feel like I just wrote one, so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Bring on the happy!
